Sentimental yet sardonic (booster17) wrote,
Sentimental yet sardonic

10 Surnames that Dawn Never Had

Part of the Ten things that never happened to [A Buffy character] crossover drabblechallenge on Twisting the Hellmouth.

So in alphabetical order...

Gomez Addams shuddered in fear and clutched his wife Morticia to him. Together they stared at the terrifying sight before them. How had they come to this? Wednesday had turned out such a credit to their family, but her twin Dawn?

“Dawn Addams?” he creakily managed to get out, “What is the meaning of this… this… outfit?”

Dawn beamed widely and spun around in her bright (bright!) yellow tight top and flaring short skirt. “I’m going to be a cheerleader, daddy!” she chirped, waving her pom-poms expertly in the air.

“A cheerleader?” moaned Gomez

“Eeeeeeee….” said Cousin It, and fainted.

Josh Lyman gulped inwardly and tried to make himself become one with the wall of the Oval Office. He noticed some of the Sunnydale ‘experts’ were also trying to become part of the furniture too. Apart that was, from Dawn Bartlett’s newest bodyguard, Buffy Summers – the Slayer.

He’d thought President Bartlett had been bad enough during Zoey’s kidnapping. But finding out that some hell goddess called Glory wanted to sacrifice his youngest daughter? Hadn’t gone down too well.

At all.

For the third time, The President asked “Are you absolutely sure that nuclear weapons won’t work on her, Mr. Giles?”

Dawn’s lip curled back in contempt. Really, she’d been kidnapped and threatened before, by much scarier people than Sark. “You do know that my dad and sister are going to find me, right?”

Sark turned his head, and studied her for the first time. “Oh, we do know that, little Miss Bristow,” he said calmly, holding her eyes with his gaze. “And all they have to do to get you back is give us Rambaldi’s Great Key, which we know is in their possession.”

Oh shit. How the hell could Sydney give them the Key, when she was the Key?

I hung up the phone, and considered the best way to break the news to my employer. Nero Wolfe requires careful handling at the best of times. And when my sister is involved, even more than normal.

Wolfe looked up from the book he was currently reading and grunted enquiringly in my direction.

“That was Inspector Cramer” I said calmly. “Would you happen to know if Mr Parker is available right now? Dawn’s in jail for murder.”

Wolfe’s mouth moved speechlessly for a moment. “For God’s sake!” he roared, angrily ringing Fritz for beer. “That’s the third time this month!”

“Clark Kent - You’re Superman!” declared Lois Lane, ripping his shirt open to reveal the famous Superman logo underneath it.

Clark’s jaw dropped. “But how..?”

“Oh come on!” said Lois, rolling her eyes. “There’s always this weird stuff happening around you, and now you have this sister suddenly turn up? At the same time as Supergirl starts appearing?”

And two miles high in the air above Metropolis, Dawn-el grinned as she shamelessly eavesdropped with her super-hearing. Rolling over, she started tanning her other side. How exactly did her age group phrase things on Earth? Oh yeah… yellow solar radiation rocked!

Ensign Dawn Cleopatra Kirk stomped angrily along Deck 12 of the Enterprise. Her big brother was a complete hypocrite!

Oh sure, James Tiberius Kirk was allowed to make out with every female passenger or visitor that came near the ship, but let his little sister end up in one little compromising position with one diplomat, and he went all over protective and assigned her to clerical duties. Gah!

Just ahead of her, the turbolift doors opened and Chekov, the new helmsmen stepped out. A brief smirk passed across Dawn’s face. Jimbo hadn’t said anything about fellow crew members, had he?

James Bond strolled nonchalantly into the MI6 building, though he still had a headache from that last explosion in Greenland. Time for a little recreational flirting with…


The young brown haired girl looked up at him from behind the desk, and rolled her eyes. “Really, James,” she said, tapping her ID badge with ‘Moneypenny’ clearly displayed on it, “I would hope that your advancing age isn’t affecting your memory already?”

“Um… that’s…. I have to see M now” he stammered, and fled straight into M’s office without knocking. Thus completely missing Dawn Moneypenny’s high five with her giggling sister.

“So..” said Carter skeptically, “You just forgot to mention that your ex-wife was also raising your daughter for these last few years?”

Jack O’Neill put on his best innocent expression, only spoiled by the knowledge that Carter could read him like a book. “Hey, she’s here for good now, and I happen to like that. It just means we’ll have to be extra careful not to mention anything about the Stargate program around Dawn.”

Dawn O’Neill stuck her head round the kitchen door. “Dad?” she enquired. “There’s a little grey alien in the living room called Thor asking for you….”

I glared across the table at my little sister. It had been bad enough when Valerie had moved back into my parent’s house, but how dare Dawn just sit there and ask me questions like that over dinner? In front of the whole family?

“No, Dawn,” I said through gritted teeth, “I am not having sex with Ranger and Morelli at the same time!”

Grandma Mazur chimed in, “Well, I sure wouldn’t blame ya. That Ranger is one hot piece of..”

Fortunately, her precise choice of word was drowned out by the sound of my car blowing up out front.

“What?” Dawn Weasley said, staring across the crowded kitchen at all the accusing looks from everyone present, “So I was thinking about dying my hair brown? So what?”

Ginny slammed her hands down on the table, “And what? You just want to be different from me? Your own twin?!?!”

“Hell, yeah!” Dawn snapped back. “Maybe that’ll stop Draco Malfoy from mixing us up and trying to sleep with me as well!”

As the assembled Weasley wrath suddenly found a new target, the now ignored Dawn grinned broadly and settled back. Try to keep secrets from her own twin, would she?

Apologies and protestations that I do not own anyone go to : Buffy, The Addams Family, The West Wing, Alias, Nero Wolfe, Lois and Clark, Star Trek, James Bond, Stargate, Stephanie Plum and Harry Potter.

Now if you'd excuse me, I need to take my muse out to a candlelit dinner for two.
Tags: dawn, fic

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