Fandom: BtVS/Harry Potter
Setting: Early season six for the Scoobies, somewhere around book six for the Harry Potter crew.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I own neither Harry Potter (that’ll be the lovely JKRowling) or the Buffyverse (see Joss Whedon for that one).
Author's Notes: Sometimes odd scenes just come to you, and won’t leave until they’re written down.
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Xander leaned forward on the table and stared straight ahead. “Oh god,” he muttered, “Was I... were we that obvious?”
Giles rolled his eyes as he started to polish his glasses. “To some of us, you and Cordelia were very much obvious, although I confess I didn’t quite understand how far the two you were along your path.”
Buffy leaned forward, also intent on watching the squabbling occurring on the lower benches. “Hindsight is a wonderful thing, Giles,” she observed mildly, “You sure you’re not making this up?”
Anya poked Xander sharply in the ribs. “What is the silly watcher talking about? Is this about your previous sexual history again?”
Dumbledore almost choked on his drink. Professor McGonagall did. Well, Dawn assumed she did, given the spluttering noise, the distinct sound of bubbles and the quick way she thumped the goblet down on the table. Professor Snape just glowered.
Below the high table, the argument between Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley intensified. Xander sighed, and rubbed his eyes, giving Anya a slightly hurt look. “Cordelia and I… well, before we got together – and afterwards to think of it, we spent most of our time insulting the other severely.”
“Ah… good times,” smiled Buffy, and refilled her goblet.
Cries of “Cold blooded ferret!” and “Muggle loving weasels!” filled the hall below them.
Xander sighed, and lowered his head back down onto the cool wood table. “At least, there were plenty of insults and then suddenly one day there were frenzied make-out sessions in the broom cupboard in between rounds of insults,” his muttered voice explained.
Anya studied the red-headed girl being held back by another slightly older redhead and the infamous Harry potter. The blonde haired Spike look-alike jabbed a finger into the air between them and snarled. “Oh yes,” Anya said matter-of-factly, “They’re totally doing the same.”
This time, Dumbledore did choke on his drink. Professor McGonagall did a spit-take in hers, and Professor Snape just glowered.
“What?” said Anya, “Look, this was my job for a thousand years. If you think I can’t pick up sexual chemistry from a mile off and know who’s sleeping with people they shouldn’t be sleeping with, well…..well… you’re wrong.”
She poked Xander in the ribs again. “I need a better finish to declarations like that. You’re funny in a non-obnoxious way at times. Think me up a funny line.”
Xander raised his head off the table and studied her for a moment. He sighed again and turned towards the others, “No, Anya’s right. She’s an expert at these things. Makes taking her out to expensive restaurants very… interesting.”
“Oh yes,” Anya nodded happily, “The number of married men there with people they weren’t married to was simply amazing. If I had my old job back, I’d open a restaurant just to have them come to me while I take their money at the same time.”
“She identified them all,” said Xander glumly. “Secretary, secretary, next door neighbour, sister-in-law, secretary, prostitute, and yet another secretary.”
“It’s a gift,” said Anya, and preened. Then frowned, “Unfortunately I cannot find a way of gaining money from it. It is most vexing.”
Below their table, the two sides in the argument walked off in a huff, in different directions. A last parting insult, and rude gestures were exchanged. The teachers regarded the quieter hall and resumed their meals. “And…. Cue broom cupboard,” said Xander. Silence filled the table.
“Ridiculous!” snapped Professor Snape after about 30 seconds, “I assure you that there is no way that a Malfoy would even be seen being polite to a Weasley, let alone this ‘making out’ you so vulgarly describe.”
Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled, as he raised his goblet once more. “Now now, Severus, I assure you…” he started.
Anya interrupted him with a withering glare towards Snape, “Oh yes? If I didn’t have this ability, then how would I know about the Headmaster and the wizened cat lady here screwing around?”
Dumbledore’s beard became slightly stained thanks to his jump and spillage. Professor McGonagall choked and had to be patted several times on her back. Professor Sprout fell off her chair. And Professor Snape just glowered.
Buffy and Xander shared a look. “Broom cupboard?” she said.
“Broom cupboard,” sighed Xander, and stood up.
“Well,” he said, as Dumbledore wrung out his beard, “Before this gets any more out of hand, I can see we’re going to have to prove this one way or another.”
Professor McGonagall alternated between mopping up the mess on the table and glaring speechlessly at Anya. For some reason, Giles had a vision of a cat wishing for nothing more than to be able to lick itself clean.
Xander beamed cheerfully at the rest of the Hogwarts teachers present. “I’m going to need one witness and the location of the most likely broom cupboard. Any volunteers?”
There was a pause, and then Madam Hooch slowly stood up as well. “They’re both on the house Quidditch teams…. And there is one cupboard which keeps being disturbed….”
“Excellent!” beamed Xander, “And that just leaves one last ingredient.”
He bounded over to the nearby table and stood in front of two quizzically staring redheads who bore a distinct resemblance to the red haired girl in question. “I assume that you are the two Weasley Twins that I have been warned about several times?”
The one on the left regarded Xander carefully, and pursed his lips in thought. “Does that mean you don’t want a custard cream?”
“A thousand times no,” said Xander, before pausing in thought, “Although I might want to place a private order later. Do you deliver to America?”
“Hmmm…” said the one on the right, “Mail order – might be worth looking into at some point. Better ask Hermione how muggle mail works some time, Fred.”
Xander looked back at the twin on the left, “So, you’re Fred?”
“Actually, I’m George,” he said and looked at his twin, “Fred’s always doing that to new people.”
“I thought I was George today,” said the one on the right. “Even numbered day surely?”
“It is a leap year,” said the red head on the left consideringly, “Tell you what… I’ll be Fred then.”
“No, no, you said I was Fred,” the other said firmly, and turned to Xander again, “You sure you don’t want a custard cream?”
Xander stared at both of them for a moment. “Okay, only one way round this. From now on, you’re both Barney.”
“Barney?” they both said.
Xander nodded, “Now what I want Barney, is that prototype ear-on-a-cord I heard you talking about on my way in. I just need to borrow it for ten minutes. And then I might just have some feedback for you and some other ideas to experiment with.”
Madam Hooch beside him, almost went pale at that offer. Both Barneys, on the other hand, shared one look, nodded to each other and produced the item in question.
Xander picked it up, extended it with one arm and grinned. “Back in ten minutes,” he said and dragged Madam Hooch out of the Dining Hall.
Ten minutes later, he and Madam Hooch walked back in, both with a glowing blue right ear. Xander passed the device back to the twins as he paused at their table, and said mildly “You might want to look into that.”
Both twins attempted to look innocent and angelic. “Now,” said Xander, “There are a few things I’d like to mention….”
Madam Hooch sat back down in her place, and took a deep, long swig from her goblet. Everyone stared at her, and then Xander as he eventually reached their table and sat down. “Well?” said Buffy, impatiently.
“Ooooo Malfoy kiss kiss kiss,” said Xander happily, “Ooooo weasel smooch smooch kiss. I hate your guts, no I hate your guts, smooch smooch smooch kiss kiss slap.”
Everyone looked at Xander, then swung around and looked at Madam Hooch. She shuddered, nodded once and took another deep drink. Anya looked around smugly.
“Well,” said Dumbledore calmly, “I believe it’s almost time for the afternoon lessons. If you will excuse us, I think the staff and I must be leaving you to get to know your way around Hogwarts.” With that he rose and walked out of the Dining Hall.
“But he… but she…” said Dawn confused.
With a haughty sniff, Professor McGonagall also rose, cast a very dirty look towards Anya and stalked off in a different direction. Professor Snape just glowered.
“So,” said Buffy brightly, “Not leaving us yet, Professor Snape?”
“No,” glared Snape, “For my sins, I have the duty of escorting you around Hogwarts this afternoon.”
“Oh,” said Xander. He leant forward and offered a bag around.
“Custard cream, anyone?”