Sentimental yet sardonic (booster17) wrote,
Sentimental yet sardonic

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Fic: It's a Dirty Job (Captain Jack)

Title: "It's a Dirty Job"
Rating: FR18
Summary: What exactly does a Time Agent do, anyway?
Disclaimer: They ain't mine. They’re all RTD and the Beeb’s. *sob*
Author’s note: Once again, I blame tthjinni for the discussion that sparked this idea.

It’s a man’s life in the Time Agents.

The name’s Jack.

Captain Jack Harkness, and I’m the best there is at what I do.

What do I do? Time Ladies mainly.

Hey, let me buy you another drink. I really shouldn’t have said that while you were drinking. No, no, I insist.

Let me explain. You ever hear of the Time Lords? Big race, major power players in the galaxy until they wiped themselves out in some sort of time war. Wiped themselves out in one of these never existed type ways.

Hey, I can handle my drink, thank you very much. Stop looking at me that way. See the Time Lords were one of these ‘advanced’ races. This war of theirs only affected the higher races really, and a few others along the way.

We ‘lower’ races didn’t notice a thing.

No, I’m not bitter. No. Stop that.

Hey, kissing someone to shut them up is a long and hallowed tradition where I come from.

No, I just wanted to do that one.

You sure? Anyhow, the Time Lords had one of these special little tricks nature hands out to the undeserving – the ability to change their bodies completely when they were close to death.

Total change. Redhead to bald to long black hair or however they wanted it that time round. Yeah, yeah…. But you still have to die basically first. And that’s just never going to be fun.

Another one?

Careful, now. I do bite, but only when I’m asked nicely.

Mmm… that was nice. Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes, regeneration. Now, when they shift to a new body, it’s a complete cellular rejuvenation. Everything’s brand spanking new, never been touched before, shiny and gleaming like you’ve just stepped off the spaceship showroom floor.

Now, that’s all well and good for the Time Lords. The men are happy as can be when they change. But the women…. oh dear.

No, just think about it. The women are back to their prime. Everything that was broken in their bodies is fixed back to how it was ages ago.

Come on... think about it.

They’re virgins all over again.

Ok. That was my fault again. I really should wait till you’re not drinking. No, I’m sure it’ll come out of my clothing.

I’ll just take the shirt off though.

Why yes, I do work out. Oooo… you might want to not do that in public. Me? Oh, I don’t mind what you do…

Time Ladies! Yes! So, there’s this small window after each regeneration when the body hasn’t settled down yet. There’s so much energy running through their bodies that they can shift it round a bit to heal or change things. I’ve known one Lady to grow back a finger she chopped off by accident or shift the entire surface of her body to look differently.

Oh, my job? Put the drink down first this time.

Well, as you might have guessed, the only time that these Time Ladies could lose their virginities again without much pain was directly after regenerating.

Yes, I was a Time Lady Deflowerer.

Thank you. Thank you sooo much. This was meant to be a private conversation. I finally get my companion here to stop doing spit-takes on me, and the next two tables both do it this time?

Well, if you insist. Same again, bartender.

I better be careful – you’ll have me down to just my underwear next.

No, commando.

So, people, that was my job – taking the virginities of Time Ladies whenever it was needed. Such a hard, ardous job. All those long hours of lying around, never knowing when the call to action would occur.

And then – springing into action at a moments notice. Honestly, I don’t know how I coped. Throwing myself into my work, I guess.

I was determined. I wanted to be the best. I was dedicated.

And I was.

Oh yes.

And let me tell you… for higher beings, those Time Ladies were decadent! No, that wasn’t a complaint.

Why, I’d love to show you.

Shall we go?

You’re invited too. And you. And you two. And how can I resist such an appealing look from you?

It was a man’s life in the Time Agents. But this one’s just as good. Trust me.

Tags: doctor who, fic

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