Why the next Doctor Who must not be Female
1 Girls can't do maths or read maps - surely insurmountable problems when applied to the calculations in 17 dimensions that a Time Lord must habitually make. Also, cannot afford to spend entire pre-credits sequence waiting for her to park the Tardis.
2 Not keen on whole episodes set in Ikea watching her pick out perfect window treatments for her interplanetary home. Or fretting about ageing effects of time travel. Retinol A must remain name of satellite Gallifreyan moon, not anti-wrinkle cream.
3 Doctor must be eccentric. Can women be eccentric without being covered in cat hair and/or smelling of wee? Research how.
4 Cannot afford necessary pre-launch campaign explaining to Whovians what a woman is.
5 Hierarchical problems. Doctor needs mentally and physically inferior sidekick to be afraid of Cybermen/ stretchy-faced Penelope Wilton/glowy-headed fat people. If Who is female, will need to cast six-year-old boy (or rather 800 of them, because they can't work for more than 10 minutes at a time without some bleeding-heart waving child labour legislation at us - talk to Stephen Daldry if you don't believe me) or tin of Spam. Check whether there is Spam rights group. If so, investigate availability of Jimmy Krankie. Could be years before they sort out what we can and can't do with him. Her. God, this messes with your head.
6 Metaphysical problems. Doctor is same person, regeneration provides new body only. Reincarnating as female suggests feminine aspect has existed all along. Might mark series as camp?
7 Aesthetic problems. Doctor historically not been in any danger of being mistaken for Michaelangelo's David. Tom Baker nice chap but face like a bag of pork chops and Sylvester McCoy frankly disturbing. As ugly women now shot on sight at television auditions, how to cast? Go with Claire Goose and throw acid in her face? (Call her agent.)
8 Insurmountable problem - Time Lady just sounds wrong.
9 On the other hand, we've got to find something to do with Davina McCall.