Sentimental yet sardonic (booster17) wrote,
Sentimental yet sardonic

The Ultimate Mary-Sue ?

During my recent travels or trawls through the filth encrusted treasure that is the Internet, I have been encountering the phenomenom that is the Mary-Sue. This foul creature is indeed mocked and pilloried by dedicated Anti-Sues, whom I salute for their tireless and unceasing mocking. However, research has shown me the shocking truth about one of my favourite published authors and characters.

Look at her stats:

* She's unbelievably beautiful.

*Everyone of either gender who looks at her wants to have sex with her. This is not an exaggeration.

* She has sex with every kind of being on the planet. This would not be Sue-ish... except that one every single occasion that she has sex, she has never known such ecstasy before, and neither have her lovers.

* She is capable of achieving simultaneous orgasm with virtually every person she beds. According to those who study anatomy, simultaneous orgasm on even ONE occasion is virtually impossible.

* She is an American fairy princess. Literally. No, I'm NOT kidding. She is a princess, and she is of faerie stock. Her real name is Princess Meredith NicEssus.

* She is not pure elven. She has some human blood, and one of her grandmothers was a brownie. This has Exposed Her To Prejudice In The Realm Of Faerie, and gives her something to angst about.

* Prior to going home to Faerie, she worked in a magical private detective agency in California, despite the fact that she has no past that can be traced, and has not passed the Bureau of Security and Investigative Services of the California Department of Consumer Affairs requirements for private investigators: "a combination of education in police science, criminal law, or justice, and experience equaling 3 years (6,000 hours) of investigative experience; pass an evaluation by the Federal Department of Justice and a criminal history background check; and receive a qualifying score on a 2-hour written examination covering laws and regulations. There are additional requirements for a firearms permit."

I know it's a fantasy, but does that mean that she should be utterly unqualified, or that a modern world in which magic exists wouldn't regulate and license magic to some degree?

* Her evil aunt, Andais, High Queen of Air and Darkness, has been trying to find her and kill her for years. Again--feel the angst.

* At the end of the first book, it is decided that if she can conceive and bear a child before her aunt's son Cel sires a child, she will become her evil aunt's heir to the throne.

Because, you know, people who have been trying to kill you for years are SO trustworthy. And conceiving and bearing--or siring--a child is a viable sign of political acumen. Of course it is.

* Merry is given a choice between the above and death. Wow. Woman as sex object/mother or woman as victim/martyr. How revolutionary.

(Thanks to Rhysdux for that.)

On other notes, my best mate has finally had his divorce come through. Only two years for a "quickie" divorce. All told, that might actually be good going for the courts in this country. *shrugs* What do I know?

Now what's the etiquette for this situation? It's the 21st Century after all - we really should have worked these minor details out by now. I'm guessing a "Glad The Bitch Has Gone" flowers and balloons display is out, but are there "Congratulations On Your Divorce" cards available? A "Dude! You Dumped Her!" coffee mug as a present? We need a "Divorce For Dummies" book. That would have a section. Someone want to get one going?

(And crosses fingers that he's managed to work out the cut tags correctly.)

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