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Sentimental yet sardonic [userpic]

French Military History in a Nutshell

October 27th, 2008 (12:22 pm)

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Comments

Posted by: Marc (uclamaverick)
Posted at: October 27th, 2008 03:26 pm (UTC)

as a former history major in college (or University as you Europeans call it), i find this utterly high-larious. thanks for the morning levity.

Posted by: Book Keeper Lewis (ladybeth)
Posted at: October 27th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)

LOL. I'm getting odd looks from people passing the computer room because of laughing loudly. Particularly at the French Revolution.

Posted by: Charlotte (dharkapparition)
Posted at: October 27th, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)

Sad, informative and hilarious all at the same time.

Going in the memories LOL

Posted by: Brendan (brendanm720)
Posted at: October 27th, 2008 07:11 pm (UTC)
Firefly - Laugh

Nice.

[copies and pastes into an email]

Posted by: Sentimental yet sardonic (booster17)
Posted at: October 27th, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
Boromir shiny

*snerks* That's where I copied and pasted it from this morning myself.

Posted by: 4thdixiechick (4thdixiechick)
Posted at: October 27th, 2008 10:18 pm (UTC)
groucho

Hee!

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: October 28th, 2008 05:54 am (UTC)
The French

*applause* Good sir, *applause*

Posted by: iyalode (iyalode)
Posted at: October 28th, 2008 09:26 am (UTC)
Art: On the warpath - Mark Ryden

Hee! Man, I needed that after the day I've had. Thanks.

8 Read Comments